Woodham Mortimer Cricket Club

Woodham Mortimer CC (play-cricket.com)

Angus played his first game for Woodham Mortimer as a 9-year-old in a Sunday Friendly. The following year he scored 66 in a Sunday friendly. He has been a member of the Essex County squads from the age of 9 and is currently playing for the under 13 county side. He plays his under 13 cricket for Maldon and scored his first century for them in May 2019; 108 not out off 76 balls with 16 fours and 1 six. He recently took 5 wickets for Essex in a 40 over game v Norfolk in June 2019. Angus is half Australian on his fathers’ side and has already easily surpassed his fathers highest score. Angus currently plays in our friendly 20/20 side and any Sunday Friendlies he can make. This year as an under 13 he can make his full league debut and hopefully help the second eleven to finally gain promotion to div 6. He and his brother Freddie are regulars at the club particularly around tea time!!

The club convict, who has now returned to England (the scene of the crime) after not fancying those hard tracks of Queensland (Its all the Queen’s land mate). When writing these profiles its vital you must get the correct balance of 50% cheeky rascal and 50% informative Craig Marshall stat-man, which is why I am finding this profile particularly difficult as there is no one more irritating at this club than Mark Beames. You may think I’m joking. But I’m not. I’d rather have a shower with sand paper for a bar of soap than sit down and talk to this Australian. And when he is not sending me 500 emails in one go about the club he is texting me like I’m the only contact in his phonebook, calling me when I don’t reply with minutes because I’m too busy hitting my head against the table. I secretly think he fancies me. Must do with all these texts. Blooming yuppie.

Of course I jest (I don’t). In his time here at our club Mark has integrated himself as one of the most vital players and support staff we can have, a bit like a virus or rash you just can’t get rid of, no matter how hard you try. He can’t get much affection at home either because every Sunday you can find him on his laptop bashing in… the scores of the weekend so that our website is fully operational and up to date. Despite what the committee names say also he is also responsible for the fixtures. I mean seriously is there nothing this man can’t do (yes, sod off and leave me alone as a start.) But it would be unfair to say that I did not appreciate Marks efforts. If Nathan is the person that ensures things are done on the scenes Mark is responsible for the things that go on behind them. A very key aspect of the club, and perhaps finest T20 captain/batsman who has graced our ranks. Likes to think of himself as an all-rounder (cow corner slogger and grenade chucker – with best figures of 2-14 against Raphael?) What’s a Raphael? Isn’t he a ninja turtle? Must of paid him off to steal those two wickets, not like he’s short a few bob (bob means money in English Mark – know you’re still struggling to adapt to the culture). But all in all, a bloody nice Bruce who’s got his heart in the right place. Just the head I’m worried about. Not to mention those skimpy flowery shorts?! Have a word someone...

Browny once told me that he was the club’s longest serving consecutive member, having started his glistening cricket career with the mighty Woodham Mortimer in the season of 2002, when I was just 8 years old and little Ribu was just a twinkle in Mrs Tripathi’s eye. I’ve never checked whether this fact is true or not, nor care much neither. But through the usual slurred words of Captain Brown I believe he meant to stress this as an achievement of sorts. Ha! 14 years of village cricket and still pony. “Give it up” they say to our Browny. But, with a bar as cheap as ours it’s very hard to cut ties, just like he finds it hard to cut a cricket ball, – so much so that Brown makes a weekly trip all the way down from Clapham just to drink from his favourite watering hole. If that’s not commitment then I don’t know what is. The club motto: ‘a drinking club with a cricket problem’, is the embodiment of Browny. He loves it so much that then he dies he wants to be reincarnated as a widget. Cracking idea that AB.

But this lad isn’t just a drinker. He’s a real sportsman too – someone in peak physical condition. Must be to win the ‘outstanding fielder of the year’ award on three separate occasions. Must be rigged mind you. Unfair to put anyone else at the club up against Browny when it comes to fielding. The maestro is a keen cover fielder, and regularly scares the batsman out of their wickets with those crazy eyes and gigantic belly button that looks as though it could transport you to another dimension. Something out of Stargate Atlantis. It’s so big I’ve seen him catch cricket balls inside it, not to mention those odd occasions when he uses it as a beer holder. But I’m getting off topic. Blooming terrific fielder. And quick too. Must of thought it was last orders or something. Has also been known to hold a bat when he wants too, and must be half decent after scoring over 3500 Woodham runs! I stress the half. But take no notice of my jibs because perhaps our favourite moment of Brown’s career finally came in late 2016, when after years of failing to hit 100 he finally reached his maiden century against Great Baddow. You just couldn’t write this fairy-tale. Long live Captain Brown, the patron saint of drunks and village cricketers. 

Woodham Mortimer CC (play-cricket.com)

The Club Yoyo. Gav’s been up and down between the 1st & 2nd XI more times than a whore’s drawers. You would think that this would be the main headache for the captains each week – which team to put our Gav in. But it’s not. The main headache is what boundary marker to put people on when our Gav bowls. The answer is the next field if possible! I mean can you really call it bowling? For sure our Gav has burgled 6 wickets in a single game, but even Stevie Wonder can chuck a ball up high and hope for the best. It’s a frustrating game this cricket malarkey. But more about the man himself. Gav’s surname isn’t just Cook by coincidence. Oh no. Before his days as a brick layer (if only his bowling figures were as study as his walls) Gavala was a top chef at his local wimpy. Gav took up the name ‘Cook’ because he just loved making food. You can see this every week when Gav plays when he offers the batsman 6 pies an over.

In a previous life Gav must have been Chinese. He hates dogs. Detests them , so much so that Gav would rather have Adolf Hitler sit on his lap whilst he stroked him rather than the resident WMCC mascot Trigger. Maybe Adolf and Gav are mates. Have you seen the size of Gav’s cricket bag. Must be the largest in the world – big enough to fit a small Nazi in for sure. Can’t keep anything else in their surely – apart from those shiny new pads and gloves, and that unused bat. Don’t let the blotches of red fool you. Gav will tell you they’re from boundaries. Poppycock – after another 1’s fiasco Gav got out for a duck and went straight to the supermarket. Coming across the vegetable aisle Gav vented his frustration on the cherry tomatoes. Gav was eventually escorted out but caused a right palaver when his bag got stuck in the doors. Very embarrassing. Managers had to lube him up with butter to squeeze him into the gap – something Gav is still struggling to do when batting.

If Humpty Dumpty and a pair of promiscuous (look it up Cam) wicket-keeping gloves ever had a love child you would get a little something like our Nigel. Like his dear old father Dumpty, who couldn’t be put back together again, our Nigel also appears to be shot to pieces in more places than one. I mean what is it with you wicket-keepers? First you moan that my bowling is too far down the off-side then you tell me its too far down the leg side. Are you never happy? Our Nigel is a rare breed. With what knees he has left he leaps to any wide ball like a gazelle, one that was once a fine prancing animal but has since been shot a few times and half eaten by a lion. Who needs knees anyway?

Don’t let the profile picture fool you. This chap is one of sophistication and charm, sporting his beloved trilby hat that compliments the twinkle in his eyes whenever he turns up for a match. No one is quite sure where our beloved Nick came from, and to this day I don’t believe we have bothered to ask. Rumour had it that he was caught sleeping in the containers one night by Nathan. Other rumours suggest that Nick is one of those forest people and after watching us through the trees for a few years he crept up to the clubhouse, stole some whites and made out to be a cricketer interested in joining. Wherever you have come from mi’lad, we are glad you have!

An ever faithful member of the club Nick is the mastermind behind the 400 new tea and coffee mugs we have stored up in various locations around the clubhouse. But that’s not the only contribution Mr Goode has made over the years. In a match against Leighton Orient in 2016 Nick hit his high score of 69* (ONE SHORT of a 70) – the cheeky chappy – Connor Hayman’s favourite number. After hitting the half-century, he retired to give the other players a game, blooming nice guy our Nick. But it’s a good job that Nick left his pads on because in the last over of the game, needing 6 runs to win, Nick found himself chucked back into the fight like one of his handbag throws. A deathly silence followed. Skipper Jeeves couldn’t look. Camera phones at the ready. Could he do it? Could he write himself into Woodham Mortimer folklore and hit a six of the last ball. It’s a good job the bowler gave him a half tracker because our dear Nick did just that, smacking the chap back past his head for maximum.

Woodham Mortimer CC (play-cricket.com)

With perhaps the biggest arm in the club it only makes sense that Pete Harness wishes to be a keeper. Despite him being too tall and gangly for the role. “Why not be a fast bowler? Your height and frame would generate loads of pace if you worked on it? You have such a huge arm – surely its wasted behind those stumps?” These questions are ones that remain with the mysteries of the universe, and much like these abnormal wonders it is wonder who ever put it in Harness’s head that taking up the gloves would be a grand adventure.

Ever the Bert to Toby’s Ernie, Pete followed his close friend from Boreham at the start of the 2016 campaign. His large athletic structure and dashing good looks were enough for Captain Brown to place our young Pete as a solid member of the WMCC 2^nd XI – where he would trundled out to bat and put fear into the hearts of all division 8 bowling that come up against the wrath of his overpriced and underused Krakatoa Newberry. Rumour has it that Pete loves his bat so much that he purposely misses straight balls to ensure not a scratch comes upon it, and so for now, much like Krakatoa did many moons ago before its explosion – it lies dormant.

But it would be unfair to suggest that our young Peter, often known as Pete the Feet, or PH Levels, or P-Rex (there are a multitude of names I will leave out otherwise the list will be as long as his feet) that he has not contributed sufficiently in his first season at the club. Prone to the odd catch, and dynamite 6-hitting, Pete is an exciting young talent that will continue to develop as the seasons go on. His technique is as promising and solid as his chiselled jaw-line, and his bat – although yet unused in a big innings, looks as good as he does – as Mr Tash recently pointed out his aesthetically pleasing nature and confusion as to whether he was a man or a lady.

We’re not quite sure what Mr Tash meant either. Alas, welcome Peter and your extraordinary large feet.    

Legend has it that there must always be a ginger at Pheasant fortress, and with the chaps saying 'bon voyage' to Beefy Pietersen we said hello to a Mr James "Oh-Your-So-Fine-You're-So-Fine-You-Blow-My-Mind-Hey"-Mickley. Signed in the 2016 transfer window for £37.5m from who knows where, Mickers burst onto the WMCC scene like a Chewbacca straight out of hyperspace, although Chewbacca has less body hair. His outdoor debut saw James smash a classy 59* against against the old adversary, Tillingham CC, as he strolled to the crease, cheeky grin slapped across his mosh, whilst he dispatched former Ginger Con all around the venue, causing the young bowler, quite dismay as a roaring of "who the f*** is Connor Hayman?" filled the ground. 

After this snug little performance and a few more on Sundays he earned his first cap in the 1's at Eastwood, where rain unfortunately stopped play lucky for some of Eastwood's bowlers, who had heard of the myth that is Mickley and his slab of wood that love to knock the fluff out of leather.

But our young Jimbo has also show glimmers of other areas of expertise- and to date has the his first of many Woodham wickets as a bowler. No one is quite sure how he managed to burgle this little gem. But it is in the score book and that my friend's is what counts. The future, like this man's smashing head of hair, is certainly bright for both him and the club.  

His name is Toby Pateman, and you may remember him from such roles as:

• Evil Simpson Baby, Simpsons
• Sid, Toy Story
• Martin Clunes, Doc Martin
• Agent Smith, The Matrix trilogy
• Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle

Our man of many faces is also a man of many talents. Not only can this young lad bat, but he can also bowl and field – something we like to call in the business of village cricket, a ******* show-off. Who said that nobody from Boreham could walk straight into the WMCC 1^st team? Not our toby. At the start of the 2016 Campaign Tobias Pâtéman, Toby Peachbum, Toby Pablo, whatever you wish to announce him by – shot in through the gates, strolled into the clubhouse with his sponsored New Balance kit and initialled clothing and said “move over chaps – you want to see a real cricketer? – I’ll take it from here, go fetch me a coffee.” And the young lad did just that. Rumour has it that Toby hits 50’s with his eyes closed, those bushy brows of his remaining calm and unfrowned from any delivery. If he hasn’t told you about it yet he also has a pretty decent bowling average (apart from that one time against Biffta) – and if your yet to hear the tale of his figures I’m sure you will soon enough. Winner of the 2016 ‘Rear of the Year’ award Noby is perhaps one of the club’s most exquisite fielders, his place firmly established within the covers where he loves nothing better than the ball being shot at him like a flaming NASA rocket. Some say that his balance is down to his abnormally large ears – but I say that’s just talent, and something that you’re either born with or not. His debut season has been one of great promise – the Dimitri Payet of the Woodham Wolves – shall we say, with his debonair approach to any challenge, and absolute cracking Harris that has been proven to be the reason why WMCC has had an influx of signings within the last few months or so. Whatever you’re doing young Pateman, long may it continue.  

Signed from Margaretting in the 14/15 transfer window (undisclosed fee) JP was disheartened to learn that the WMCC ladies had since folded, and so decided to join the 2^nd XI.

Since the change JP has taken the cricket world by storm, putting fear into the hearts of Division 8 batsman around the T-Rippon with his blistering medium pace half trackers and abnormally close eyebrows, not to mention his chin which for a young lad is abnormally gigantic compared to the other areas of his body – like  Quagmire from family guy. Our JP suffers an unfortunate case of Narcolepsy and temporary tattoos, provided to him by the Woodham faithful. His voice also resembles something that a Gnat would produce – one of those annoying little buggers that constantly irritate everyone. However, just being too big to swat with a roll of newspaper we allow JP to stay - just so we can see him jump over the ball in fright whenever it comes near him. Hilarity.

Alas, despite this adversity JP, ever one to say ignore the naysayers has recently come about as a bit of a daredevil all-rounder. Against Island Tavners in 2016 he proved his worth with the bat, hitting a splendid knock of 48 until he snatched defeat out of the very jaws of victory and scooped a doddering ball straight to a fielder, costing WMCC the game and the batsman his chance at a maiden 50. Yet there is great potential in this young lass, and like the many scribbles of ink on his drunken arm, fortune too is written in the stars for seasons to come. If you don't believe that, you will also fail to believe JP holds the record for second best bowling spell in the history of WMCC, with an impressive 7-32. Sadly, once again falling two short to be the King of the swingers.

Woodham Mortimer CC (play-cricket.com)

Signed late in 2016 from Burnham Sports CC former Captain Jack-Jump Shipton was lured in with a record fee of 3 jaffa cakes and a famous pint of our Hopping Hare. In a press conference after the youngster signed the deal we asked young Jack what had made him leave BSCC for pheasant fortress? He replied “I got bored hitting runs against you.” And a flaming good job he got bored too. This season alone has seen Jack hit 2 (YES TWO) centuries for BSCC – 1 being an immaculate performance against the WMCC 2nd XI, and just so happened to be the day all our bowlers were off. Ha – like we have any bowlers in the 2nd XI. Bravo young Jack.

Unfortunately for you I will have to keep this short and sweet – as we haven’t seen you play yet. But rest assure as soon as you get your first duck I will be back to finish you off, and not in the way you'd hope you saucy sausage. It is also rumoured that JS has one of those things called a gir-lfri-end, is that what they are called? Let's hope our Hollister model wears his box hats to show off his hip side, and not to cover up the massive thumbprint from the missus. 

Signed in the spring of 2017 for an undisclosed amount of Jaffa Cakes and Party Rings Daniel ‘Biffta’ Smith left his humble abode of Great Baddow for pastures new at Pheasant Park. Daniel had always dreamed of being a bowler. Throughout his younger years his handsome, more talented brother Tommo with a much better beard would often take him along to nets whatever the weather to help the young Daniel practise his bowling. The origins of Daniel’s nickname are somewhat shrouded in mystery. However, legend has it that the very first ball he bowled in a game was reverse switch hit for six back over his head. The sound of leather on willow was released by the dull thudding 'biff' of the ball soaring over the line. And so it came to pass the title of Biffta was placed upon Daniel, forever to be reminded of that fateful day. Yet this setback never damped Dan’s spirit. As he progressed through the youth system he would purposely stand at slip waving his arms about in the hope that his skipper would notice him. However, only when Great Baddow had surpassed the 400 run mark in a game did the team contemplate the chance of bowling the young spinner. You cannot blame their hesitancy when you only have ten outfield players. Sadly Daniel’s career at Baddow came to an end when he went an entire season without bowling. Downcast and defeated he strolled around the boundary whilst attending a blatant charity game regardless of whatever the media says, until he came to a large gathering of yobs that hollered obscenities from the edge. These hooligans were from WMCC and whispered stories to young Daniel of legends such as Flash and Peggy and how if he too tried his best he could one day be nearly half as good as them. But the road would be hard and difficult to master the art of bowling. It’s often thought that Daniel takes this discipline too far to an extreme. On one occasion WMCC arrived to find Daniel standing in the changing room doing his best taxi driver impersonation, his hair completely shaved off, looking in the mirror with the ball in his hand. “Are you talking to me? You must be talking to me there isn’t anyone else around?” Poor chap, hasn’t he ever thought of batting instead?

Woodham Mortimer CC (play-cricket.com)

WMCC’s resident butler Jeeves is an ever-present member of the club. A first team opening bowler regularly taking wickets with his waddling medium-pace. The type of pace not associated at all with the length of his run up, although watching those curves sway side-to-side is a treat and so we will not complain.