Woodham Mortimer Cricket Club INDOOR BDICL 1ST SIX squad

 YEAR  LEAGUE POSITION  YEAR  BDICL CUP
2008/09 2nd div 5 2008/09 1st round
2009/10 1st div 4 2009/10 1st round
2010/11 3rd div 3  2010/11 1st round
2011/12 6th div 2 2011/12       2nd round
2012/13 4th div 2 2012/13  2nd round 
2013/14 6th div 1 2013/14  Semi Final 
2014/15 8th div 1 2014/15  2nd round 
2015/16 9th div 1 2015/16  Semi Final 
2016/17 1st div 2 2016/17  1st round 
2017/18 5th div 1 2017/18  1st round 
2018/19 2nd div 1 2018/19  2nd round
 2019/20    2019/20  
INDOOR BDICL 1ST SIX

Captain : Kev Wright

The Crabbies loving Club Captain. It’s a little known fact that, in the year of 1894 our Kev (who had just turned 20 at the time) played against the famous writer Rudyard Kipling. Kev gave Mr Kips a gentle outswinger to warm himself up – Kips stretching more than Kev in his later years on the physio table – until he steamed in from his five pace trundle and bowled Rudyard with a corking in-swinger on just the second ball of the innings. When Rudyard had returned to the pavilion and was asked how he had got out the writer muttered that it had “swung like a banana” – inspiring Kipling to base Kev on The Jungle Book’s very own King Louie, the King of the swingers.

King Louie is now the proud leader of the Woodham Wolves. Kev, the Alpha, is not one to back down from any challenge – so much so that controversy was sparked after his marriage to Louise who now found herself in a pickle. Marriage was supposed to signal the end of Kev’s cricket career and plans to retire had been formed in a proposed contract of sorts, where watching the boxset of countryfile and trips out to boot sales were on the agenda for married life. But Kev, taking the contract his new wife had drawn up and, in true wolf fashion, chewed it to pieces, picking up his Yorkshire tea box and setting off for pheasant fortress.

Sadly now, in the Autumn of his cricket career (if he was 20 in 1894 he is over 140 years old – crikey!) it appears that our skipper has a touch of forgetfulness about him. In a recent game against Havering CC, after finishing his over, the skip launched the ball over to the other side of the field as Cam, confused as ever, proceeded to retrieve it. This momentary lapse of reason has also been evident in the skip who is quite confused as to whether he is a batsman or a bowler. At this club you can’t have both and so have to choose – which makes it difficult for our Kev who has a HS of 142* with the bat and decent figures of 5-20 with the ball. Nifty. Thank god his fielding ability is below village standard or we might of lost our beloved skip – snapped up by some Premier division Club. Alas, the leader of the pack is a true role model, and with the respect and backing from all of his men they would follow him out to a badly cut wicket on any day of the season.

Players
Mark Beames

The club convict, who has now returned to England (the scene of the crime) after not fancying those hard tracks of Queensland (Its all the Queen’s land mate). When writing these profiles its vital you must get the correct balance of 50% cheeky rascal and 50% informative Craig Marshall stat-man, which is why I am finding this profile particularly difficult as there is no one more irritating at this club than Mark Beames. You may think I’m joking. But I’m not. I’d rather have a shower with sand paper for a bar of soap than sit down and talk to this Australian. And when he is not sending me 500 emails in one go about the club he is texting me like I’m the only contact in his phonebook, calling me when I don’t reply with minutes because I’m too busy hitting my head against the table. I secretly think he fancies me. Must do with all these texts. Blooming yuppie.

Of course I jest (I don’t). In his time here at our club Mark has integrated himself as one of the most vital players and support staff we can have, a bit like a virus or rash you just can’t get rid of, no matter how hard you try. He can’t get much affection at home either because every Sunday you can find him on his laptop bashing in… the scores of the weekend so that our website is fully operational and up to date. Despite what the committee names say also he is also responsible for the fixtures. I mean seriously is there nothing this man can’t do (yes, sod off and leave me alone as a start.) But it would be unfair to say that I did not appreciate Marks efforts. If Nathan is the person that ensures things are done on the scenes Mark is responsible for the things that go on behind them. A very key aspect of the club, and perhaps finest T20 captain/batsman who has graced our ranks. Likes to think of himself as an all-rounder (cow corner slogger and grenade chucker – with best figures of 2-14 against Raphael?) What’s a Raphael? Isn’t he a ninja turtle? Must of paid him off to steal those two wickets, not like he’s short a few bob (bob means money in English Mark – know you’re still struggling to adapt to the culture). But all in all, a bloody nice Bruce who’s got his heart in the right place. Just the head I’m worried about. Not to mention those skimpy flowery shorts?! Have a word someone...

Roger Marshall

If there was ever a love child between Freddie Flintoff and Lurch (Hot Fuzz – Yarp/Narp you get it) then you would have Roger Marshall. The 2nd oldest of the Marshall trio to grace the pheasant sigil. Rog likes to think of himself as a genuine all-rounder AKA all-round greedy bugger who wants to bat, bowl and field. During the winter Roger spends his days staring glumly out into the snow, pretending it’s a hot July afternoon, chasing a ball down like a dog on heat. The term cricket on the brain doesn’t do this guy justice. When Rog finally has a kid it is due to be named after his most admired cricketer: Brian Lara (Brian if it’s a lad, Lara if it’s a lass). Yet, despite his many flaws – like when Rog rambles on about anything and everything, and you’re not quite sure what is going on or what the meaning to this pointless tale is trying to convey – he is very much so an impact player, devastating with both bat and ball at times. I mean have you ever had a dream where a guy was that good at both things? No? Me neither. Certainly not as good as brother John. Ooooo John.  

Keith Mitchell
Who looks at a baby and thinks “a great name for you would be Keith.” It just doesn’t happen in this century. So much so that the statistics for baby names in 2016 saw the name Keith drop down to the bottom three, along with Gary and Jimmy. Strange that. It would appear that we are living in an age where the word Keith could very well go extinct much like the Dinosaurs. The club’s resident Dinosaur however – Peggasaurous Mitchell -  isn’t going to go down without a fight. At the current standing our Peg is the club’s most capped player (481), a marvellous achievement for the codger. Sometimes doesn’t even need a Zimmer-frame. A hearing aid wouldn’t go amiss though, just so that he could hear us shouting “Don’t pitch it there Peg!” as the ball sails over the boundary ropes for six. Alas, the OAP can pitch it where he wants, because at 481 games he is also the clubs leading wicket taker (527 - since records began). A true club legend. Yes the Club’s chairman, who resembles a striking resemblance to Boris Johnson, is a rather loveable chap. Unless of course you’re George Verlander, who absolutely despises him. Against Purleigh in 2016, Verlander, taunted by Peg’s jibes at ‘little jog George’ managed to stop a ball on the boundary with his foot. Rising triumphantly Verlander yelled “how’d you like that” at the old Vet, momentarily catching Peg off guard. But all was over as quick as Flash could say ‘Fantastic!’, because with the very next ball the batsman creamed one at the old-timer stood waiting at mid-wicket, who caught it sweetly in the palm of his wrinkled hands, bringing a smile to his face as he retorted – “well how’d you like that!!!” Verlander, defeated. And so I conclude my arch nemesis profile. A fantastic gentleman and one of the greatest players to wear the pheasant cap. HS of 107*, wicket taking machine and can stop a ball when he wants too (but not when he is on the boundary eh Peg). Lover of all things cricket, metal-music (ask Rod & Smithe) and has recently put in a request for Francis to build a playground so the youngsters can have something to do at the club. Has promised not to urinate on it, though, watch this space.   
Toby Pateman

His name is Toby Pateman, and you may remember him from such roles as:

  • Evil Simpson Baby, Simpsons
  • Sid, Toy Story
  • Martin Clunes, Doc Martin
  • Agent Smith, The Matrix trilogy
  • Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle

Our man of many faces is also a man of many talents. Not only can this young lad bat, but he can also bowl and field – something we like to call in the business of village cricket, a ******* show-off. Who said that nobody from Boreham could walk straight into the WMCC 1st team? Not our toby. At the start of the 2016 Campaign Tobias Pâtéman, Toby Peachbum, Toby Pablo, whatever you wish to announce him by – shot in through the gates, strolled into the clubhouse with his sponsored New Balance kit and initialled clothing and said “move over chaps – you want to see a real cricketer? – I’ll take it from here, go fetch me a coffee.” And the young lad did just that. Rumour has it that Toby hits 50’s with his eyes closed, those bushy brows of his remaining calm and unfrowned from any delivery. If he hasn’t told you about it yet he also has a pretty decent bowling average (apart from that one time against Biffta) – and if your yet to hear the tale of his figures I’m sure you will soon enough. Winner of the 2016 ‘Rear of the Year’ award Noby is perhaps one of the club’s most exquisite fielders, his place firmly established within the covers where he loves nothing better than the ball being shot at him like a flaming NASA rocket. Some say that his balance is down to his abnormally large ears – but I say that’s just talent, and something that you’re either born with or not. His debut season has been one of great promise – the Dimitri Payet of the Woodham Wolves – shall we say, with his debonair approach to any challenge, and absolute cracking Harris that has been proven to be the reason why WMCC has had an influx of signings within the last few months or so. Whatever you’re doing young Pateman, long may it continue.  

Jack Shipton

Signed late in 2016 from Burnham Sports CC former Captain Jack-Jump Shipton was lured in with a record fee of 3 jaffa cakes and a famous pint of our Hopping Hare. In a press conference after the youngster signed the deal we asked young Jack what had made him leave BSCC for pheasant fortress? He replied “I got bored hitting runs against you.” And a flaming good job he got bored too. This season alone has seen Jack hit 2 (YES TWO) centuries for BSCC – 1 being an immaculate performance against the WMCC 2nd XI, and just so happened to be the day all our bowlers were off. Ha – like we have any bowlers in the 2nd XI. Bravo young Jack.

When this young lad hits the ball it stays hit. Our Jack once hit a ball so hard at a horse that it smacked it in the head. To this day that is why Giraffes populate the world. I don’t know if that’s true or not but by the look of his scary face that could make a happy-meal cry I have been too afraid to ask.

Unfortunately for you I will have to keep this short and sweet – as we haven’t seen you play yet. But rest assure as soon as you get your first duck I will be back to finish you off, and not in the way you'd hope you saucy sausage. It is also rumoured that JS has one of those things called a gir-lfri-end, is that what they are called? Let's hope our Hollister model wears his box hats to show off his hip side, and not to cover up the massive thumbprint from the missus. 

Dan Smith
Dan Smith is our resident run scorer extraordinaire! Dan joined Woodham from Great Baddow in 2017 following a heated transfer battle and immediately made himself at home in our first team. He scored 1386 runs in that first season, a new club record including 7 centuries and 4 50’s at an average of 66 and was instrumental in the team finishing runners up in div 3 and gaining promotion to Div. 2. He followed this up with 1237 runs in 2018 with another 5 100’s at an average of 72.76! Needless to say, without Dan in our side we would be much the poorer Team! Dan is also a regular indoor player and has topped the runs scored tables in both the Braintree league and at Chelmsford. Last year he captained the mixed six to the title in the league’s first year. 2019 has again been a great year for Dan and he should look to join the 5000-run club very shortly; by far the quickest to do so. Give it another 3-4 years and I am sure he will be catching and surpassing club legends Damian Fannon and Ian Ball and becoming possibly the first Woodham player to score 10000 runs. I wouldn’t bet against it!
Performance history
SeasonMatchesWonDrawnTiedLostCancelledAbandoned
All15478017500
2019/20205100400
2018/201912600600
2017/201813400900
2016/201711900200
2015/201612400800
2014/20159300600
2013/2014175001200
2012/201316800800
2011/201216601900
2010/201113700600
2009/2010151300200
2008/2009151200300