Woodham Mortimer Cricket Club INDOOR BDICL 1ST SIX squad

 YEAR  LEAGUE POSITION  YEAR  BDICL CUP
2008/09 2nd div 5 2008/09 1st round
2009/10 1st div 4 2009/10 1st round
2010/11 3rd div 3  2010/11 1st round
2011/12 6th div 2 2011/12       2nd round
2012/13 4th div 2 2012/13  2nd round 
2013/14 6th div 1 2013/14  Semi Final 
2014/15 8th div 1 2014/15  2nd round 
2015/16 9th div 1 2015/16  Semi Final 
2016/17 1st div 2 2016/17  1st round 
2017/18 5th div 1 2017/18  1st round 
2018/19 2nd div 1 2018/19  2nd round
 2019/20    2019/20  
INDOOR BDICL 1ST SIX

Captain : Kev Wright

The Crabbies loving Club Captain. It’s a little known fact that, in the year of 1894 our Kev (who had just turned 20 at the time) played against the famous writer Rudyard Kipling. Kev gave Mr Kips a gentle outswinger to warm himself up – Kips stretching more than Kev in his later years on the physio table – until he steamed in from his five pace trundle and bowled Rudyard with a corking in-swinger on just the second ball of the innings. When Rudyard had returned to the pavilion and was asked how he had got out the writer muttered that it had “swung like a banana” – inspiring Kipling to base Kev on The Jungle Book’s very own King Louie, the King of the swingers.

King Louie is now the proud leader of the Woodham Wolves. Kev, the Alpha, is not one to back down from any challenge – so much so that controversy was sparked after his marriage to Louise who now found herself in a pickle. Marriage was supposed to signal the end of Kev’s cricket career and plans to retire had been formed in a proposed contract of sorts, where watching the boxset of countryfile and trips out to boot sales were on the agenda for married life. But Kev, taking the contract his new wife had drawn up and, in true wolf fashion, chewed it to pieces, picking up his Yorkshire tea box and setting off for pheasant fortress.

Sadly now, in the Autumn of his cricket career (if he was 20 in 1894 he is over 140 years old – crikey!) it appears that our skipper has a touch of forgetfulness about him. In a recent game against Havering CC, after finishing his over, the skip launched the ball over to the other side of the field as Cam, confused as ever, proceeded to retrieve it. This momentary lapse of reason has also been evident in the skip who is quite confused as to whether he is a batsman or a bowler. At this club you can’t have both and so have to choose – which makes it difficult for our Kev who has a HS of 142* with the bat and decent figures of 5-20 with the ball. Nifty. Thank god his fielding ability is below village standard or we might of lost our beloved skip – snapped up by some Premier division Club. Alas, the leader of the pack is a true role model, and with the respect and backing from all of his men they would follow him out to a badly cut wicket on any day of the season.

Players
Gavin Cook

The Club Yoyo. Gav’s been up and down between the 1st & 2nd XI more times than a whore’s drawers. You would think that this would be the main headache for the captains each week – which team to put our Gav in. But it’s not. The main headache is what boundary marker to put people on when our Gav bowls. The answer is the next field if possible! I mean can you really call it bowling? For sure our Gav has burgled 6 wickets in a single game, but even Stevie Wonder can chuck a ball up high and hope for the best. It’s a frustrating game this cricket malarkey. But more about the man himself. Gav’s surname isn’t just Cook by coincidence. Oh no. Before his days as a brick layer (if only his bowling figures were as study as his walls) Gavala was a top chef at his local wimpy. Gav took up the name ‘Cook’ because he just loved making food. You can see this every week when Gav plays when he offers the batsman 6 pies an over.

In a previous life Gav must have been Chinese. He hates dogs. Detests them , so much so that Gav would rather have Adolf Hitler sit on his lap whilst he stroked him rather than the resident WMCC mascot Trigger. Maybe Adolf and Gav are mates. Have you seen the size of Gav’s cricket bag. Must be the largest in the world – big enough to fit a small Nazi in for sure. Can’t keep anything else in their surely – apart from those shiny new pads and gloves, and that unused bat. Don’t let the blotches of red fool you. Gav will tell you they’re from boundaries. Poppycock – after another 1’s fiasco Gav got out for a duck and went straight to the supermarket. Coming across the vegetable aisle Gav vented his frustration on the cherry tomatoes. Gav was eventually escorted out but caused a right palaver when his bag got stuck in the doors. Very embarrassing. Managers had to lube him up with butter to squeeze him into the gap – something Gav is still struggling to do when batting.

Nigel Costin

If Humpty Dumpty and a pair of promiscuous (look it up Cam) wicket-keeping gloves ever had a love child you would get a little something like our Nigel. Like his dear old father Dumpty, who couldn’t be put back together again, our Nigel also appears to be shot to pieces in more places than one. I mean what is it with you wicket-keepers? First you moan that my bowling is too far down the off-side then you tell me its too far down the leg side. Are you never happy? Our Nigel is a rare breed. With what knees he has left he leaps to any wide ball like a gazelle, one that was once a fine prancing animal but has since been shot a few times and half eaten by a lion. Who needs knees anyway?

Roger Marshall

If there was ever a love child between Freddie Flintoff and Lurch (Hot Fuzz – Yarp/Narp you get it) then you would have Roger Marshall. The 2nd oldest of the Marshall trio to grace the pheasant sigil. Rog likes to think of himself as a genuine all-rounder AKA all-round greedy bugger who wants to bat, bowl and field. During the winter Roger spends his days staring glumly out into the snow, pretending it’s a hot July afternoon, chasing a ball down like a dog on heat. The term cricket on the brain doesn’t do this guy justice. When Rog finally has a kid it is due to be named after his most admired cricketer: Brian Lara (Brian if it’s a lad, Lara if it’s a lass). Yet, despite his many flaws – like when Rog rambles on about anything and everything, and you’re not quite sure what is going on or what the meaning to this pointless tale is trying to convey – he is very much so an impact player, devastating with both bat and ball at times. I mean have you ever had a dream where a guy was that good at both things? No? Me neither. Certainly not as good as brother John. Ooooo John.  

Toby Pateman

His name is Toby Pateman, and you may remember him from such roles as:

  • Evil Simpson Baby, Simpsons
  • Sid, Toy Story
  • Martin Clunes, Doc Martin
  • Agent Smith, The Matrix trilogy
  • Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle

Our man of many faces is also a man of many talents. Not only can this young lad bat, but he can also bowl and field – something we like to call in the business of village cricket, a ******* show-off. Who said that nobody from Boreham could walk straight into the WMCC 1st team? Not our toby. At the start of the 2016 Campaign Tobias Pâtéman, Toby Peachbum, Toby Pablo, whatever you wish to announce him by – shot in through the gates, strolled into the clubhouse with his sponsored New Balance kit and initialled clothing and said “move over chaps – you want to see a real cricketer? – I’ll take it from here, go fetch me a coffee.” And the young lad did just that. Rumour has it that Toby hits 50’s with his eyes closed, those bushy brows of his remaining calm and unfrowned from any delivery. If he hasn’t told you about it yet he also has a pretty decent bowling average (apart from that one time against Biffta) – and if your yet to hear the tale of his figures I’m sure you will soon enough. Winner of the 2016 ‘Rear of the Year’ award Noby is perhaps one of the club’s most exquisite fielders, his place firmly established within the covers where he loves nothing better than the ball being shot at him like a flaming NASA rocket. Some say that his balance is down to his abnormally large ears – but I say that’s just talent, and something that you’re either born with or not. His debut season has been one of great promise – the Dimitri Payet of the Woodham Wolves – shall we say, with his debonair approach to any challenge, and absolute cracking Harris that has been proven to be the reason why WMCC has had an influx of signings within the last few months or so. Whatever you’re doing young Pateman, long may it continue.  

Dan Smith
Dan Smith is our resident run scorer extraordinaire! Dan joined Woodham from Great Baddow in 2017 following a heated transfer battle and immediately made himself at home in our first team. He scored 1386 runs in that first season, a new club record including 7 centuries and 4 50’s at an average of 66 and was instrumental in the team finishing runners up in div 3 and gaining promotion to Div. 2. He followed this up with 1237 runs in 2018 with another 5 100’s at an average of 72.76! Needless to say, without Dan in our side we would be much the poorer Team! Dan is also a regular indoor player and has topped the runs scored tables in both the Braintree league and at Chelmsford. Last year he captained the mixed six to the title in the league’s first year. 2019 has again been a great year for Dan and he should look to join the 5000-run club very shortly; by far the quickest to do so. Give it another 3-4 years and I am sure he will be catching and surpassing club legends Damian Fannon and Ian Ball and becoming possibly the first Woodham player to score 10000 runs. I wouldn’t bet against it!
Performance history
SeasonMatchesWonDrawnTiedLostCancelledAbandoned
All15879027700
2019/20209201600
2018/201912600600
2017/201813400900
2016/201711900200
2015/201612400800
2014/20159300600
2013/2014175001200
2012/201316800800
2011/201216601900
2010/201113700600
2009/2010151300200
2008/2009151200300