Woodham Mortimer Cricket Club INDOOR MIXED SIX squad

 YEAR  LEAGUE POSITION
 2018/2019 Inaugural Campions
 
   
   
   
   
   

INDOOR MIXED SIX INDOOR MIXED SIX

Captain : Dan Smith

Dan Smith is our resident run scorer extraordinaire! Dan joined Woodham from Great Baddow in 2017 following a heated transfer battle and immediately made himself at home in our first team. He scored 1386 runs in that first season, a new club record including 7 centuries and 4 50’s at an average of 66 and was instrumental in the team finishing runners up in div 3 and gaining promotion to Div. 2. He followed this up with 1237 runs in 2018 with another 5 100’s at an average of 72.76! Needless to say, without Dan in our side we would be much the poorer Team! Dan is also a regular indoor player and has topped the runs scored tables in both the Braintree league and at Chelmsford. Last year he captained the mixed six to the title in the league’s first year. 2019 has again been a great year for Dan and he should look to join the 5000-run club very shortly; by far the quickest to do so. Give it another 3-4 years and I am sure he will be catching and surpassing club legends Damian Fannon and Ian Ball and becoming possibly the first Woodham player to score 10000 runs. I wouldn’t bet against it!
Players
Gavin Cook

The Club Yoyo. Gav’s been up and down between the 1st & 2nd XI more times than a whore’s drawers. You would think that this would be the main headache for the captains each week – which team to put our Gav in. But it’s not. The main headache is what boundary marker to put people on when our Gav bowls. The answer is the next field if possible! I mean can you really call it bowling? For sure our Gav has burgled 6 wickets in a single game, but even Stevie Wonder can chuck a ball up high and hope for the best. It’s a frustrating game this cricket malarkey. But more about the man himself. Gav’s surname isn’t just Cook by coincidence. Oh no. Before his days as a brick layer (if only his bowling figures were as study as his walls) Gavala was a top chef at his local wimpy. Gav took up the name ‘Cook’ because he just loved making food. You can see this every week when Gav plays when he offers the batsman 6 pies an over.

In a previous life Gav must have been Chinese. He hates dogs. Detests them , so much so that Gav would rather have Adolf Hitler sit on his lap whilst he stroked him rather than the resident WMCC mascot Trigger. Maybe Adolf and Gav are mates. Have you seen the size of Gav’s cricket bag. Must be the largest in the world – big enough to fit a small Nazi in for sure. Can’t keep anything else in their surely – apart from those shiny new pads and gloves, and that unused bat. Don’t let the blotches of red fool you. Gav will tell you they’re from boundaries. Poppycock – after another 1’s fiasco Gav got out for a duck and went straight to the supermarket. Coming across the vegetable aisle Gav vented his frustration on the cherry tomatoes. Gav was eventually escorted out but caused a right palaver when his bag got stuck in the doors. Very embarrassing. Managers had to lube him up with butter to squeeze him into the gap – something Gav is still struggling to do when batting.

Ollie Glasson
What do you get when you put Nutella on Salmon? Salmon-Ella. But what do you get when you put a speccy irritable wannabe village cricketer in the first team? Nothing, because our Olly don’t do first team. You can probably hear our Oliver before you see him. Known for having the largest mouth in the club, Olly spends 95% of his time at WM taking the piss out of anyone that breathes. I can’t think of anyone else at WM that I have genuinely thought “ah what a great guy” and “I wish he was on the other team the ****” in exactly the same match. Olly was previously captain of Margaretting before we signed him on a free a few years ago and rumour has it that everyone there got so f***** off with his antics they purposely folded the club to get away from him. If anybody at WMCC could fall into sh*t and come up smelling of roses it would be our Olly. But our very own Millhouse has as much success off the field at pulling than he does on the field pulling a ball. In the 2015 venture to Taunton Olly turned into a farmer one night and safely managed to capture a local pig. Such a nice chap our Olly. There loads of squealing that night - and the girl even managed a few sighs of disappointment, but that story (and video evidence see FB) is safe for another time. But in all seriousness, you can’t meet a nicer bloke than our Olly. Not only will he attempt to do an off-break, but he’ll do his best at leg spin as well. Doesn’t matter if you get hit for 6 Olli, it’s the effort that counts.
Toby Pateman

His name is Toby Pateman, and you may remember him from such roles as:

  • Evil Simpson Baby, Simpsons
  • Sid, Toy Story
  • Martin Clunes, Doc Martin
  • Agent Smith, The Matrix trilogy
  • Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle

Our man of many faces is also a man of many talents. Not only can this young lad bat, but he can also bowl and field – something we like to call in the business of village cricket, a ******* show-off. Who said that nobody from Boreham could walk straight into the WMCC 1st team? Not our toby. At the start of the 2016 Campaign Tobias Pâtéman, Toby Peachbum, Toby Pablo, whatever you wish to announce him by – shot in through the gates, strolled into the clubhouse with his sponsored New Balance kit and initialled clothing and said “move over chaps – you want to see a real cricketer? – I’ll take it from here, go fetch me a coffee.” And the young lad did just that. Rumour has it that Toby hits 50’s with his eyes closed, those bushy brows of his remaining calm and unfrowned from any delivery. If he hasn’t told you about it yet he also has a pretty decent bowling average (apart from that one time against Biffta) – and if your yet to hear the tale of his figures I’m sure you will soon enough. Winner of the 2016 ‘Rear of the Year’ award Noby is perhaps one of the club’s most exquisite fielders, his place firmly established within the covers where he loves nothing better than the ball being shot at him like a flaming NASA rocket. Some say that his balance is down to his abnormally large ears – but I say that’s just talent, and something that you’re either born with or not. His debut season has been one of great promise – the Dimitri Payet of the Woodham Wolves – shall we say, with his debonair approach to any challenge, and absolute cracking Harris that has been proven to be the reason why WMCC has had an influx of signings within the last few months or so. Whatever you’re doing young Pateman, long may it continue.  

Jack Preston

Signed from Margaretting in the 14/15 transfer window (undisclosed fee) JP was disheartened to learn that the WMCC ladies had since folded, and so decided to join the 2nd XI.

Since the change JP has taken the cricket world by storm, putting fear into the hearts of Division 8 batsman around the T-Rippon with his blistering medium pace half trackers and abnormally close eyebrows, not to mention his chin which for a young lad is abnormally gigantic compared to the other areas of his body – like  Quagmire from family guy. Our JP suffers an unfortunate case of Narcolepsy and temporary tattoos, provided to him by the Woodham faithful. His voice also resembles something that a Gnat would produce – one of those annoying little buggers that constantly irritate everyone. However, just being too big to swat with a roll of newspaper we allow JP to stay - just so we can see him jump over the ball in fright whenever it comes near him. Hilarity.

Alas, despite this adversity JP, ever one to say ignore the naysayers has recently come about as a bit of a daredevil all-rounder. Against Island Tavners in 2016 he proved his worth with the bat, hitting a splendid knock of 48 until he snatched defeat out of the very jaws of victory and scooped a doddering ball straight to a fielder, costing WMCC the game and the batsman his chance at a maiden 50. Yet there is great potential in this young lass, and like the many scribbles of ink on his drunken arm, fortune too is written in the stars for seasons to come. If you don't believe that, you will also fail to believe JP holds the record for second best bowling spell in the history of WMCC, with an impressive 7-32. Sadly, once again falling two short to be the King of the swingers.

Performance history