Woodham Mortimer Cricket Club INDOOR CHELMSFORD SIX squad

 YEAR  LEAGUE POSITION  YEAR CUP
2015/16 1st div 3  2015/16  1st round
2016/17  5th div 2  2016/17  1st round 
2017/18  Runners Up div 2  2017/18  Semi Final
2018/19  5th Premier 2018/19  Qtr final
2019/20   2019/20   

 

2018/19 Dan Smith. Chelmsford League Batsman of the year.


INDOOR CHELMSFORD SIX

Captain : Dan Smith

Dan Smith is our resident run scorer extraordinaire! Dan joined Woodham from Great Baddow in 2017 following a heated transfer battle and immediately made himself at home in our first team. He scored 1386 runs in that first season, a new club record including 7 centuries and 4 50’s at an average of 66 and was instrumental in the team finishing runners up in div 3 and gaining promotion to Div. 2. He followed this up with 1237 runs in 2018 with another 5 100’s at an average of 72.76! Needless to say, without Dan in our side we would be much the poorer Team! Dan is also a regular indoor player and has topped the runs scored tables in both the Braintree league and at Chelmsford. Last year he captained the mixed six to the title in the league’s first year. 2019 has again been a great year for Dan and he should look to join the 5000-run club very shortly; by far the quickest to do so. Give it another 3-4 years and I am sure he will be catching and surpassing club legends Damian Fannon and Ian Ball and becoming possibly the first Woodham player to score 10000 runs. I wouldn’t bet against it!
Players
Angus Beames

Angus played his first game for Woodham Mortimer as a 9-year-old in a Sunday Friendly. The following year he scored 66 in a Sunday friendly. He has been a member of the Essex County squads from the age of 9 and is currently playing for the under 12 county side. He plays his under 12 and under 13 cricket for Maldon and scored his first century for them in May 2019; 108 not out off 76 balls with 16 fours and 1 six. He recently took 5 wickets for Essex in a 40 over game v Norfolk in June 2019. Angus is half Australian on his fathers’ side and has already easily surpassed his fathers highest score. Angus currently plays in our friendly 20/20 side and any Sunday Friendlies he can make. Next year as an under 13 he can make his full league debut and hopefully help the second eleven to finally gain promotion to div 6. He and his brother Freddie are regulars at the club particularly around tea time!!

Mark Beames

The club convict, who has now returned to England (the scene of the crime) after not fancying those hard tracks of Queensland (Its all the Queen’s land mate). When writing these profiles its vital you must get the correct balance of 50% cheeky rascal and 50% informative Craig Marshall stat-man, which is why I am finding this profile particularly difficult as there is no one more irritating at this club than Mark Beames. You may think I’m joking. But I’m not. I’d rather have a shower with sand paper for a bar of soap than sit down and talk to this Australian. And when he is not sending me 500 emails in one go about the club he is texting me like I’m the only contact in his phonebook, calling me when I don’t reply with minutes because I’m too busy hitting my head against the table. I secretly think he fancies me. Must do with all these texts. Blooming yuppie.

Of course I jest (I don’t). In his time here at our club Mark has integrated himself as one of the most vital players and support staff we can have, a bit like a virus or rash you just can’t get rid of, no matter how hard you try. He can’t get much affection at home either because every Sunday you can find him on his laptop bashing in… the scores of the weekend so that our website is fully operational and up to date. Despite what the committee names say also he is also responsible for the fixtures. I mean seriously is there nothing this man can’t do (yes, sod off and leave me alone as a start.) But it would be unfair to say that I did not appreciate Marks efforts. If Nathan is the person that ensures things are done on the scenes Mark is responsible for the things that go on behind them. A very key aspect of the club, and perhaps finest T20 captain/batsman who has graced our ranks. Likes to think of himself as an all-rounder (cow corner slogger and grenade chucker – with best figures of 2-14 against Raphael?) What’s a Raphael? Isn’t he a ninja turtle? Must of paid him off to steal those two wickets, not like he’s short a few bob (bob means money in English Mark – know you’re still struggling to adapt to the culture). But all in all, a bloody nice Bruce who’s got his heart in the right place. Just the head I’m worried about. Not to mention those skimpy flowery shorts?! Have a word someone...

Gavin Cook

The Club Yoyo. Gav’s been up and down between the 1st & 2nd XI more times than a whore’s drawers. You would think that this would be the main headache for the captains each week – which team to put our Gav in. But it’s not. The main headache is what boundary marker to put people on when our Gav bowls. The answer is the next field if possible! I mean can you really call it bowling? For sure our Gav has burgled 6 wickets in a single game, but even Stevie Wonder can chuck a ball up high and hope for the best. It’s a frustrating game this cricket malarkey. But more about the man himself. Gav’s surname isn’t just Cook by coincidence. Oh no. Before his days as a brick layer (if only his bowling figures were as study as his walls) Gavala was a top chef at his local wimpy. Gav took up the name ‘Cook’ because he just loved making food. You can see this every week when Gav plays when he offers the batsman 6 pies an over.

In a previous life Gav must have been Chinese. He hates dogs. Detests them , so much so that Gav would rather have Adolf Hitler sit on his lap whilst he stroked him rather than the resident WMCC mascot Trigger. Maybe Adolf and Gav are mates. Have you seen the size of Gav’s cricket bag. Must be the largest in the world – big enough to fit a small Nazi in for sure. Can’t keep anything else in their surely – apart from those shiny new pads and gloves, and that unused bat. Don’t let the blotches of red fool you. Gav will tell you they’re from boundaries. Poppycock – after another 1’s fiasco Gav got out for a duck and went straight to the supermarket. Coming across the vegetable aisle Gav vented his frustration on the cherry tomatoes. Gav was eventually escorted out but caused a right palaver when his bag got stuck in the doors. Very embarrassing. Managers had to lube him up with butter to squeeze him into the gap – something Gav is still struggling to do when batting.

Nigel Costin

If Humpty Dumpty and a pair of promiscuous (look it up Cam) wicket-keeping gloves ever had a love child you would get a little something like our Nigel. Like his dear old father Dumpty, who couldn’t be put back together again, our Nigel also appears to be shot to pieces in more places than one. I mean what is it with you wicket-keepers? First you moan that my bowling is too far down the off-side then you tell me its too far down the leg side. Are you never happy? Our Nigel is a rare breed. With what knees he has left he leaps to any wide ball like a gazelle, one that was once a fine prancing animal but has since been shot a few times and half eaten by a lion. Who needs knees anyway?

Ollie Glasson
What do you get when you put Nutella on Salmon? Salmon-Ella. But what do you get when you put a speccy irritable wannabe village cricketer in the first team? Nothing, because our Olly don’t do first team. You can probably hear our Oliver before you see him. Known for having the largest mouth in the club, Olly spends 95% of his time at WM taking the piss out of anyone that breathes. I can’t think of anyone else at WM that I have genuinely thought “ah what a great guy” and “I wish he was on the other team the ****” in exactly the same match. Olly was previously captain of Margaretting before we signed him on a free a few years ago and rumour has it that everyone there got so f***** off with his antics they purposely folded the club to get away from him. If anybody at WMCC could fall into sh*t and come up smelling of roses it would be our Olly. But our very own Millhouse has as much success off the field at pulling than he does on the field pulling a ball. In the 2015 venture to Taunton Olly turned into a farmer one night and safely managed to capture a local pig. Such a nice chap our Olly. There loads of squealing that night - and the girl even managed a few sighs of disappointment, but that story (and video evidence see FB) is safe for another time. But in all seriousness, you can’t meet a nicer bloke than our Olly. Not only will he attempt to do an off-break, but he’ll do his best at leg spin as well. Doesn’t matter if you get hit for 6 Olli, it’s the effort that counts.
Sam Older
I remember meeting Sam like it was yesterday. It was way back in the year of 2011, when in a match against a close rival we found ourselves 1 down before the game had even started. We struggled all game in the field, and were dreading the next innings of batting when all of a sudden a car broke down outside the gates. Curious, we looked over, only to see a man appear clad in full batting attire. It was our Sam, who had unfortunately broken down on his way to a fancy dress party. He was going as a batsman, his son Joel in the seat next to him, dressed like a cricket stump. We called over to him to use our phone (we don’t have a phone aha!) and soon persuaded him to go in at number 7 and fill the gap. Since then Sam hasn’t looked back, and even dresses up like a batsman every week for the twos to carry on the sacred tradition. But of course I am joking – because it’s obvious the lad can bat. Cow corner has never received so many balls. But who cares if they’re our runs as even Sam Older has a WMCC half-century to his name Jack Preston!. Yet perhaps our Sam is much more known for his bowling. Hang on I’ve just seen that Sam also has a 5-wicket haul to his name. What an absolute farce, next you’ll be telling me Dave Glasson even has a Woodham Fiver over me. This cricket game is cruel. But with fantastic figures of 5-14 against a very strong 8-man Willow Herbs side (okay 9 men) I am glad that you’re on our side Sam! The 2’s all-rounder (can I call him that?) is a vital addition to our squad, and if Joel is half the player you are then quite the village cricketer he will become, which I believe is a compliment, maybe.      
Toby Pateman

His name is Toby Pateman, and you may remember him from such roles as:

  • Evil Simpson Baby, Simpsons
  • Sid, Toy Story
  • Martin Clunes, Doc Martin
  • Agent Smith, The Matrix trilogy
  • Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle

Our man of many faces is also a man of many talents. Not only can this young lad bat, but he can also bowl and field – something we like to call in the business of village cricket, a ******* show-off. Who said that nobody from Boreham could walk straight into the WMCC 1st team? Not our toby. At the start of the 2016 Campaign Tobias Pâtéman, Toby Peachbum, Toby Pablo, whatever you wish to announce him by – shot in through the gates, strolled into the clubhouse with his sponsored New Balance kit and initialled clothing and said “move over chaps – you want to see a real cricketer? – I’ll take it from here, go fetch me a coffee.” And the young lad did just that. Rumour has it that Toby hits 50’s with his eyes closed, those bushy brows of his remaining calm and unfrowned from any delivery. If he hasn’t told you about it yet he also has a pretty decent bowling average (apart from that one time against Biffta) – and if your yet to hear the tale of his figures I’m sure you will soon enough. Winner of the 2016 ‘Rear of the Year’ award Noby is perhaps one of the club’s most exquisite fielders, his place firmly established within the covers where he loves nothing better than the ball being shot at him like a flaming NASA rocket. Some say that his balance is down to his abnormally large ears – but I say that’s just talent, and something that you’re either born with or not. His debut season has been one of great promise – the Dimitri Payet of the Woodham Wolves – shall we say, with his debonair approach to any challenge, and absolute cracking Harris that has been proven to be the reason why WMCC has had an influx of signings within the last few months or so. Whatever you’re doing young Pateman, long may it continue.  

Jack Preston

Signed from Margaretting in the 14/15 transfer window (undisclosed fee) JP was disheartened to learn that the WMCC ladies had since folded, and so decided to join the 2nd XI.

Since the change JP has taken the cricket world by storm, putting fear into the hearts of Division 8 batsman around the T-Rippon with his blistering medium pace half trackers and abnormally close eyebrows, not to mention his chin which for a young lad is abnormally gigantic compared to the other areas of his body – like  Quagmire from family guy. Our JP suffers an unfortunate case of Narcolepsy and temporary tattoos, provided to him by the Woodham faithful. His voice also resembles something that a Gnat would produce – one of those annoying little buggers that constantly irritate everyone. However, just being too big to swat with a roll of newspaper we allow JP to stay - just so we can see him jump over the ball in fright whenever it comes near him. Hilarity.

Alas, despite this adversity JP, ever one to say ignore the naysayers has recently come about as a bit of a daredevil all-rounder. Against Island Tavners in 2016 he proved his worth with the bat, hitting a splendid knock of 48 until he snatched defeat out of the very jaws of victory and scooped a doddering ball straight to a fielder, costing WMCC the game and the batsman his chance at a maiden 50. Yet there is great potential in this young lass, and like the many scribbles of ink on his drunken arm, fortune too is written in the stars for seasons to come. If you don't believe that, you will also fail to believe JP holds the record for second best bowling spell in the history of WMCC, with an impressive 7-32. Sadly, once again falling two short to be the King of the swingers.

John Woodrow
Woodham Mortimer CC has seen some fantastic leg spinners come through its ranks during my time, Gavin Cook, Steve Richardson and Dan Karkocki to name but a few. But none match up in comparison to Sir John Woodrow. Sir John is like a vintage Aldi wine. Fruity, doesn’t go for much and only improves with age. It was only last week I saw Sir John playing an indoor match against Rayleigh – getting more turn on the tarmac than I ever thought possible. I felt sorry for the poor batsman. Trying to read John’s deliveries was like trying to tell which liquorice all-sort you was going to pick out of the bag. Unplayable bowler.  Never seen him been hit for six – although I’m sure he has been (he wouldn’t be a proper Woodham player if he hadn’t.) And an absolute pleasure to watch a spinner finally pitch a ball – take notes Ollie Glasson. Yes Sir John is something special. Turns it like a meal in a microwave, like a key in a lock. Once I remember Sir John telling me that he could turn toast back into bread – but he is getting on a bit now so don’t take everything he says as gospel. I mean the gent is nearly 227 years old. Oh wait, that’s wickets not age (he’s actually 127 years old). 227 wickets as a spinner eh. Not too shabby indeed. Sir John is also one of those players that can indeed hold a bat, with a respectable HS of 89 and three half-centuries for WMCC to his tally. A fabulous achievement from the elderly gentleman. I say elderly. More like ancient. Sir John should be in a museum by now along with Peggy. But you can’t tell him otherwise. Cricket’s in the DNA. Who knew those replacement metal hips could work such miracles. No wonder he is so talented, I mean Sir John did used to net with none other than W.G. Grace mind you. And with all this time to practice during his retirement. I wish I had 60 years of retirement to practice. Still, I would never reach the heights Sir John has. Yes the Doc is quite the celebrity around these parts, and with him returning to action this winter let’s hope that he can continue to hold onto his crown as the King of the leg-spinners.  
Performance history
SeasonMatchesWonDrawnTiedLostCancelledAbandoned
All6124003700
2019/20204200200
2018/201913400900
2017/2018171000700
2016/201713600700
2015/2016142001200